I can't finish the 50 Shades series....

I don't want the story to end!! I'm so worried that it won't end how I want it to end. I'll be very very upset and ruined!! Lol We'll see... I wanna skip to the end soooo badly!! Must. Control. Self.

My very own 50 Shades of Grey

Well... I just finished the first book in the 50 Shades series and started on the 2nd yesterday. First off... I'm in love with this story!! Yes, some may think it's pornographic... but it's a very twisted love story. I was once in a similar relationship like Christian and Ana's. He wasn't the wealthy business man like Christian but it was VERY similar. He was a complete control freak and wasn't the type to fall or get attached to someone. Women were his toys that he collected. I had no idea what it was about him... but I was instantly drawn to him... and he was to me. He introduced me to many many things... and I made him feel. We went back and forth for almost two years. He was beyond confusing like Christian and went back and forth on everything. From the beginning I knew that he had tons of deep, embedded issues and he was a tough one to crack. He had this mile long wall wrapped around himself that kept him numb to any sort of emotion. I couldn't conform to the 'submissive' person he wanted me to be. I could in one area but not the next and he wouldn't put up with that.... but couldn't let me go. We would go our separate ways for a while but he would always creep back into my life and I was smitten. We were like water and oil. Fire and ice. Gasoline and spark. Never the perfect combination. He was dangerous but I couldn't let him go. Neither could he. We did our dance for almost 2 years until the tables changed. He became that scared little boy... frightened to lose me but it was too late. He had stripped me of every single feeling and emotion I'd ever felt. I was basically an empty shell and had nothing else to give him. It was so draining!! I basically had to completely fix this broken guy and put his pieces back together while mine were falling all over the floor. Once he realized that he needed me more than ever... I realized that I didn't need him at all. He'd sucked the life out of me and I needed learn how to breath again. Every once in a while... I think about him and miss him and hope that he's doing well. I know for a fact that in those two years... I learned a whole lot from him. Can I put it into words?? Probably not... but I know I did.

Reading these books brought back all those feelings. Being completely and utterly confused at the hands of a broken person. He had my head spinning around a million miles per hour and I couldn't breath. But I felt safe with him.

... Oh to be young again!! Young. Stupid. Clueless.

Let's try this again...

Here I am at work and the song "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood comes on and it's exactly what I needed to hear. 

Why can't I get motivated?? Why can't I get my a$$ in gear to get rid of this weight that's been the root of ALL my problems for SOOOOO long??!?! 

"I don't wanna' spend my life jaded

Waiting to wake up one day and find

That I've let all these years go by

Wasted"

Because that's EXACTLY what I'm doing. I go to work. Come home and hide from the world.  

Am I afraid? Maybe. But... AFRAID OF WHAT?!?! Being actually happy with how I look?? Being happy that I can actually buy cute clothes?? Being HAPPY that maybe... just MAYBE I'll find someone?? It baffles me!! I don't even know what's going on up in my head. 

I sit at home... wishing and dreaming of being able to go shopping and not be afraid or worried that people are staring at me and thinking 'OMG!! How sad..." Which... in all honesty... it truly is. It's sad. Sad that I've let myself get to this point. 

I can come up with millions of excuses as to why I can't do this... or I can't do that. Such as... going to the gym. I opened my gym membership with EVERY intention of going everyday or a few times a week. How long did that last?? Maybe two trips. TWICE!?! I pay $30 a month for a GYM MEMBERSHIP and I end up suspending it. Sad. Right?? What should I label it under in my bank register?? Fat Tax?? Lol. 

I have an incredible job, family and life. I am TRULY blessed but why can't I have a body I'm actually proud of?? I've basically isolated myself from my friends. Why?? I don't really know. It probably falls in the category of my fear of people judging and thinking... 'OMG... how sad!!" 

I have to be the one to motivate ME!! No one else is going to do it for me. Maybe if I keep telling myself that over and over and over... it'll finally stick!! 

I have tackled my eating issues. I've cut back and don't over do it like I use to in the past. I was the type to think that the meal I was having at that very moment was actually my VERY last meal and I absolutely HAD to make it count. Sad... huh??  

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of being so unhappy with my self. I'm sick of being 'that girl' in the crowd. I want to live a long and H-E-A-T-H-L-Y life. 

I'm the only one standing in my way. 

These two faces always brighten up my day!! I love them to pieces and they're the sweetest puppies anyone could ask for. 

A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skilled Sailor...

I reeeeally want this tattoo'd somewhere on me. ASAP!!