Let's try this again...

Here I am at work and the song "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood comes on and it's exactly what I needed to hear. 

Why can't I get motivated?? Why can't I get my a$$ in gear to get rid of this weight that's been the root of ALL my problems for SOOOOO long??!?! 

"I don't wanna' spend my life jaded

Waiting to wake up one day and find

That I've let all these years go by

Wasted"

Because that's EXACTLY what I'm doing. I go to work. Come home and hide from the world.  

Am I afraid? Maybe. But... AFRAID OF WHAT?!?! Being actually happy with how I look?? Being happy that I can actually buy cute clothes?? Being HAPPY that maybe... just MAYBE I'll find someone?? It baffles me!! I don't even know what's going on up in my head. 

I sit at home... wishing and dreaming of being able to go shopping and not be afraid or worried that people are staring at me and thinking 'OMG!! How sad..." Which... in all honesty... it truly is. It's sad. Sad that I've let myself get to this point. 

I can come up with millions of excuses as to why I can't do this... or I can't do that. Such as... going to the gym. I opened my gym membership with EVERY intention of going everyday or a few times a week. How long did that last?? Maybe two trips. TWICE!?! I pay $30 a month for a GYM MEMBERSHIP and I end up suspending it. Sad. Right?? What should I label it under in my bank register?? Fat Tax?? Lol. 

I have an incredible job, family and life. I am TRULY blessed but why can't I have a body I'm actually proud of?? I've basically isolated myself from my friends. Why?? I don't really know. It probably falls in the category of my fear of people judging and thinking... 'OMG... how sad!!" 

I have to be the one to motivate ME!! No one else is going to do it for me. Maybe if I keep telling myself that over and over and over... it'll finally stick!! 

I have tackled my eating issues. I've cut back and don't over do it like I use to in the past. I was the type to think that the meal I was having at that very moment was actually my VERY last meal and I absolutely HAD to make it count. Sad... huh??  

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of being so unhappy with my self. I'm sick of being 'that girl' in the crowd. I want to live a long and H-E-A-T-H-L-Y life. 

I'm the only one standing in my way. 

Brand new me :)

I think the scariest thing about weight loss... for me... is the fact that I have to admit to myself that I 100% let myself go and it's no one's fault but my own. Most of the time I just pretend the problem doesn't exist and can come up with millions of excuses for the way I am right now. The truth??

As a child I found comfort in eating. I had an extremely rough childhood and I coped with my depression and anxiety with food. I grew up in the 90's when there were very little alternative for fast food and that was the quick and easy way for dinner. My mom worked long hours as well as my dad. I know they did the best they could with us kids. From my knowledge, I don't think they had as large of a variety as they do now. But honestly... would I have wanted apple slices instead of french fries?? Probably not. I'm sure I would have thrown a HUGE fit. I'm kicking myself now. I became addicted to sweets, (thank goodness not so much anymore!!) and I always seemed to have a large supply of it. I remember in the 5th grade I had a teacher that had a 'store' in her classroom and we earned tickets, or whatever it was, during the day and at the end we could 'buy' candy. It almost became a drug to me... I HAD to have it. All through out school I had access to all sorts of junk food. Chips, cookies, candy, sodas, etc. at all times!! Even during high school they had vending machines and food carts loaded with junk. My junk of choice in high school?? Hot Cheetos and cheese and a Pepsi. Almost everyday. My goodness... it's terrible!! I'm assuming now they have a larger variety?? I don't know... I sure hope they do. I honestly don't think they do because you see SO many obese children. Looking back I wish I had more self control and the motivation to keep myself from ending up where I am today. But... there's no day like today!!

Every single day I'm making changes. I've come to realize that change is a wonderful and fabulous thing!! Most people fear change or fear the unknown. I, for one, can't wait to see what the future holds.

Recently, I've just about cut out fast food 100% from my life. Sure, I'll grab a little something if I'm in a HUGE rush and need to get something in my system before I pass out. But I make sure I have snacks in my purse at all times. Just to hold myself over. By cutting that part out, not only saves your health, but also your wallet!! I'm all about saving money as of lately :)

Looking back at my failed attempts at dieting... I've realized that I would cut myself off cold turkey to all things junk and non-diet products. By the 2nd week (if I'd even make it that far) I would find myself sitting in a drive-thru DYING for the largest meal possible. With a diet soda. Ironic, right?? Lol. Then I'd sit in my car, cry, eat my 'food', cry some more then go on about my day. I wold feel SO defeated and upset with myself that I would get semi-depressed and fall back into my old habits. A few weeks later... the cycle would repeat itself. THAT was NOT working for me. I had to change my eating habits on a daily basis. I know for myself, I can't cut out those things cold turkey because I would crave it in a couple of days. Instead I slowly 'weened' myself off the junk and incorporated more good-for-me foods into my diet. Instead of a 'temporary' diet, I've made some more permanent changes in my life that can carry on into the future. Whenever I do crave something, such as a fountain Pepsi, I have one. I don't get the largest barrel size cup available, I get either the smallest or medium size and put quite a bit of ice in it. That will usually cure my craving.

I've incorporated more fruits and veggies into my eating habits. I've always LOVED  salads and you just have to doctor them up to make them a little more interesting, because honestly, lettuce + dressing is B-O-R-I-N-G!! I'm not saying to put a small pile of lettuce and a DCB (double cheeseburger) on top. Add some strips of grilled chicken and almond slices on top and get creative with trying different dressings. Also, try different types of lettuce. My favorite is the Mixed Baby Greens. Not only does it look pretty but it tastes good :) Look up recipes to give healthier food a little kick so you don't get burnt out eating the same 'ol stuff. That right there is why most diets fail and I know with personal experience.

I'm super excited for these changes and I can't wait to see what the future holds!! :D