Thursday, May 24, 2012

My very own 50 Shades of Grey

Well... I just finished the first book in the 50 Shades series and started on the 2nd yesterday. First off... I'm in love with this story!! Yes, some may think it's pornographic... but it's a very twisted love story. I was once in a similar relationship like Christian and Ana's. He wasn't the wealthy business man like Christian but it was VERY similar. He was a complete control freak and wasn't the type to fall or get attached to someone. Women were his toys that he collected. I had no idea what it was about him... but I was instantly drawn to him... and he was to me. He introduced me to many many things... and I made him feel. We went back and forth for almost two years. He was beyond confusing like Christian and went back and forth on everything. From the beginning I knew that he had tons of deep, embedded issues and he was a tough one to crack. He had this mile long wall wrapped around himself that kept him numb to any sort of emotion. I couldn't conform to the 'submissive' person he wanted me to be. I could in one area but not the next and he wouldn't put up with that.... but couldn't let me go. We would go our separate ways for a while but he would always creep back into my life and I was smitten. We were like water and oil. Fire and ice. Gasoline and spark. Never the perfect combination. He was dangerous but I couldn't let him go. Neither could he. We did our dance for almost 2 years until the tables changed. He became that scared little boy... frightened to lose me but it was too late. He had stripped me of every single feeling and emotion I'd ever felt. I was basically an empty shell and had nothing else to give him. It was so draining!! I basically had to completely fix this broken guy and put his pieces back together while mine were falling all over the floor. Once he realized that he needed me more than ever... I realized that I didn't need him at all. He'd sucked the life out of me and I needed learn how to breath again. Every once in a while... I think about him and miss him and hope that he's doing well. I know for a fact that in those two years... I learned a whole lot from him. Can I put it into words?? Probably not... but I know I did.

Reading these books brought back all those feelings. Being completely and utterly confused at the hands of a broken person. He had my head spinning around a million miles per hour and I couldn't breath. But I felt safe with him.

... Oh to be young again!! Young. Stupid. Clueless.

No comments:

Post a Comment