Monday, May 14, 2012

Let's try this again...

Here I am at work and the song "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood comes on and it's exactly what I needed to hear. 

Why can't I get motivated?? Why can't I get my a$$ in gear to get rid of this weight that's been the root of ALL my problems for SOOOOO long??!?! 

"I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by

Because that's EXACTLY what I'm doing. I go to work. Come home and hide from the world.  

Am I afraid? Maybe. But... AFRAID OF WHAT?!?! Being actually happy with how I look?? Being happy that I can actually buy cute clothes?? Being HAPPY that maybe... just MAYBE I'll find someone?? It baffles me!! I don't even know what's going on up in my head. 

I sit at home... wishing and dreaming of being able to go shopping and not be afraid or worried that people are staring at me and thinking 'OMG!! How sad..." Which... in all honesty... it truly is. It's sad. Sad that I've let myself get to this point. 

I can come up with millions of excuses as to why I can't do this... or I can't do that. Such as... going to the gym. I opened my gym membership with EVERY intention of going everyday or a few times a week. How long did that last?? Maybe two trips. TWICE!?! I pay $30 a month for a GYM MEMBERSHIP and I end up suspending it. Sad. Right?? What should I label it under in my bank register?? Fat Tax?? Lol. 

I have an incredible job, family and life. I am TRULY blessed but why can't I have a body I'm actually proud of?? I've basically isolated myself from my friends. Why?? I don't really know. It probably falls in the category of my fear of people judging and thinking... 'OMG... how sad!!" 

I have to be the one to motivate ME!! No one else is going to do it for me. Maybe if I keep telling myself that over and over and over... it'll finally stick!! 

I have tackled my eating issues. I've cut back and don't over do it like I use to in the past. I was the type to think that the meal I was having at that very moment was actually my VERY last meal and I absolutely HAD to make it count. Sad... huh??  

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of being so unhappy with my self. I'm sick of being 'that girl' in the crowd. I want to live a long and H-E-A-T-H-L-Y life. 

I'm the only one standing in my way. 

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